I don't know much about Caroline Flack but she was famous enough that one didn't need to watch any of her shows to know exactly who she was. She always seemed the archetypal "fun loving gal" who took all the "flak" that came her way. She seemed supremely confident and able to take merciless bullying. I don't think I can remember a more vicious campaign than when she enjoyed the attentions of a 17 year old Harry Styles and she was 31. I remember that I didn't think it was ideal, but I also remember being impressed by her nonchalance, and it making me rethink my judgmental attitude. It was the hysterical One Direction fans who ended up being the most unseemly in that scenario, and not Caroline Flack. It reminds me of a dog programme I once watched where the owner of the dog tugged mercilessly on the lead and stopped her dog from chasing female dogs, insisting, "He doesn't like it, he thinks it's dirty." The dog trainer gently explained to her, maybe that's your opinion, let him go and we'll see. Said dog delightedly ran off and had a wonderful time, ahem, socialising. But I'm not talking about men being dogs right now...
Personally I don't watch any of those bear baiting TV programmes, all the poverty porn and exploitative shows which pit people against other people and become a deliberate popularity/ beauty contest. I've never watched a single episode of Love Island but I imagine I've got the gist of it. People being voted on and manipulated and undermined. I read that Caroline Flack once gently squeezed on a contestant's hand as a warning to her when she was gushing about her match, and he'd not been quite so kind. That to me is such a heartbreakingly kind gesture, as I suspect that many hosts would relish the amusement this juxtaposition would have brought, and not impeded it. I know she was effectively sacked and replaced. Perhaps it would have been honourable to refuse the position or at least publicly question whether it was right to sack someone, to draw attention to and support this supposedly treasured colleague. "No man is an island", as the ever quotable John Donne wrote. And as the Love Island title ironically reminds us. Yet to me it has always seemed that you can only ever rely on yourself, and people will always let you down; You can always rely on others' hypocrisy and lack of self awareness, so it helps if you expect little more.
After a suicide there is inevitable gushing through the sluices: trite assurances, etc. An unfortunate other effect is that whether intentional or not, these celebrities are often role models, and these actions normalise suicide at a general level. Caroline Flack herself was paradoxically writing a self- help book and I wouldn't be surprised if it was published posthumously. If you could meet and see the reality of authors of most self-help books, you'd probably put the book down rather hastily. Her instagram post addressing mental health, with admonishing words as she relates her interlocutor's complaint that she is being "draining", will haunt whoever that was, forever. Yet the truth of the matter is that everyone gets depressed and upset, and it can be draining and tiring hearing someone talking at length about feelings which are not unique and indeed may be all too familiar to us all. That is not to say that talking isn't the remedy, but maybe it should be a professional - because friends and family will be honest enough to exclaim, that's enough, you're draining me now. Supporting can take its toll on the caregiver and that's not fair either. Being depressed you often feel isolated and unique and that inadvertently translates as selfish, because you do forget that the person helping you might be getting upset. But then, that is when suicide seems a way to stop being this "burden". There is no middle ground and I suppose the elusive middle ground is where the cure is. The trouble is finding a good professional in a sea of quacks...
That is where social media masquerades as a tonic, as it's an 'echo chamber' of like-minded individuals who tell you what you're seeking to hear. The trouble is, it only takes one rotten apple to spoil the whole barrel. The same way it's an echo chamber for what you want to hear, it can also be an echo chamber of your darkest fears: as one nasty comment which echoes what you secretly believe, is the one you'll take as the truth. But the diatribe about social media being toxic, and reality TV being toxic, is futile when the horse has bolted. Getting likes and followers is a natural pleasure and addiction, it can't be artificially stopped, even if all the social media platforms scrap 'likes', there will always be a way to measure success and popularity, and that public declaration of worthiness will always be chased and aspired to.
Caroline Flack was dating someone with whom she had a row, and this was the beginning of all the trauma. Police were called and although he later retracted his complaint, the CPS (Crime Prosecution Service) wished to press ahead. I suppose this is a matter of principle to help those who are intimidated by an abusive partner, but clearly it was misapplied in this circumstance, as has been widely condemned. But the people using the CPS as a scapegoat are wrong, because clearly it is the TV network and the culture therein, which cracked open her whole world. To have her bosses drop her and to know that (as she knew from experience) the press were about to have a field day with endless lurid details about her love life and her aggressiveness, was just too much stress. She'd endured it before but it seems this time she wasn't ready. If her bosses had stood by her and publicly defended her character (the way they are doing now that it's too late) it might have made all the difference.
Her boyfriend was younger than her and apparently cheated on her; I don't know the details but she was a woman in her late 30s who felt young and effervescent;it must have been jarring to have the subtext of criticism - inevitable even in today's enlightened times - of not being a settled down wife, and of being a party girl. An undercurrent of hostility that a woman past her 20s should have a young man in his 20s, and live as if she too were as young and fresh as her contestants on all these shows, all of which of course would never accept a woman like her, young spirited but ultimately, now a 40 year old. To be the host of a programme which tacitly draws attention to her ageing by its very nature: a superficial and carnal beauty contest, must have been sobering at the very least. Ageing as a woman, or as a gay man where similar fetishisisation of youth is chronic, and especially as a celebrity, is challenging in most circumstances. A betrayal like that would undermine any hopes of turning this challenge into an irrelevance.
Depression and misery will always be familiar to everyone, platitudes rarely help. It is those who never feel sad who are the unique ones and should feel alone, not the ones sobbing and feeling alone...
It can't be denied that these shows are causing harm. Censorship never works though (it would become an online series instead) but at least one hopes they will radically change the format. Reality TV is not the problem but the forced competitive framing is wrong and more than unhealthy, it's lethal. Love Island has had 2 suicides already, continuing it was already quite insulting, but now surely it has to go, at least in name. I remember thinking, 'jamais deux sans trois' but when I saw this death flash up on ' breaking news', I intially assumed it must be a car crash or similar. It was a shock. People are not elastic and they will break one day, you have to always be mindful of that. Because once someone is dead, either from stress or from suicide, they won't hear your comforting words. In Caroline Flack's case, she must have known there would be this wave of support, but she knew just as well that in the parallel world, were she to have lived and had the trial, the vitriol would have come just as thick and fast. She decided, maybe even for her family's sake, that an outpouring of (sometimes hypocritical) support, was better than the alternative.
When upset one must construct one's own strength from within. External support can buckle. I exercise and go out of my way to do my makeup extra nicely and wear something good and I remind myself that no one has the privilege of being able to tear me down. I have tried not to allow myself to get too invested into social media. As Anais Nin wrote, “I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ”. On social media you are vulnerable, uploading a selfie that you think is good, and wait to see what approval rating it gets; that can't be right... But if you put up a photo that you know looks good because you know that that night you had admiring glances and compliments, you'd felt great... well, then putting it up and not getting likes, is really fairly irrelevant because you've had the real experience, and this photo is nothing more than a memento. In that sense, social media is perfectly harmless. Until it becomes its own actual world, and then every reaction or lack thereof, becomes truly damaging to one's ego. But as a vessel, social media is not the one to fault.
To bring this post back to makeup, as this is a makeup blog, I will be candid enough to admit that were it not for makeup I probably wouldn't be able to psychologically emerge most days. Not that makeup is a crutch, that is not it, as that implies vulnerability and sounds misogynistic and reductive, even accusatory. No, what I am suggesting is makeup as defiance - that makeup is empowering and can be a reminder, You've got this, and you will not be torn down today - not in that lipstick!
Sometimes it is the most implausibe and seemingly banal things, which get you through your worst times.
For anyone suffering, Please call the Samaritans. I do sometimes wonder (as I did above, regarding authors of self-help books) who exactly is drawn to these volunteer roles. My cynical side thinks they are narcissists who take perverse joy listening to salacious stories of gloom. But I know that this lack of faith in the goodness of others is something I have to work on. So I do acknowledge that if you need support, these people are trained, and being able to talk to someone is something that even fame and money doesn't necessarily grant you. So talk to someone, possibly not friends and family. Realise that if you get through this, there may be joy ahead; don't deprive yourself of that chance.
PS After having clarified that social media can be a force for good too... and what's more, I'll add lets not blame filters either... So erm, if you would like to follow me you can find me on instagram under @ooglemakeup - Please comment on a post so I know you found me from here if you'd like me to follow you back. Also if anyone ever wants to email me for any reason, my contact is on my bio here :)
Wearing Shiseido Ginzo Red, one of my favourite and most joy-giving reds. But really, I have a huge collection of reds so it might not be 'the best' - but right now, I feel like it is... As well as my new found miracle product (review may ensue) Becca undereye brightening corrector in Light:
